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aqilah musfirah
"The girl in the mirror wasn't who I wanted to be
and her life wasn't the one I wanted to have"

|23|
Proud to be a mariner.
I don't make promises that I can't keep.

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Saturday, May 1, 2010

Chapitre 4

Well well well! If it's not the second entry of mine for today! 
I just have this some sort of... feelings. It's indescribable. Really, maybe it's about my suspicions, my indecisiveness, or maybe it's just because I think too much. Dunno, but I DO care, I can't NOT to, 'cuz it's killing me.

I always think that maybe I am 'a risk taker' in some ways. 
Which equals 'an idiot'.
I didn't think hard enough what's going to happen to me. How that attitude will destroy me.
I just never seemed to care. 
It's always been 'other people first'.
But does anyone ever thought of that on my behalf? I don't think so.
But no one should be blame on that. It's my own fault.
Have you ever forgive somebody who did u so wrong so many times you couldn't help crying yourself to sleep for God knows how many nights, just like that???!!
Have you ever kept quiet when somebody cursed and rant and say some shit (either right in front of u or at your back) about you when it's not true at all and do nothing???
Have you ever let loose of someone who deliberately hurt you too many times before so easily??? And then let them hurt you once more???
And lots lots more...
I did those things. Those stupid things. Why the HELL did I always feel sorry for other people, especially the ones who don't even deserve it?? Why???
Now the damage is done. I'm falling down to pieces. Heck, does anyone even care???

Maybe I should stop being like this.
Maybe I should be selfish.
Maybe I should just act like a hard-face bitch.
What, you think I haven't tried?
I'm not like that and will never be. 
I don't wanna change. But at the same time, my heart tells me that I really should.
Just so that I can toughen up a little. (Well, on the outside, at least)
I don't wanna get hurt again.
I'll always be careful from now on.
Shoot, I was stupid! I was so,so,so, stupid.
Stupid is not the right word. It should be much much worse.

Confession #14: I smell something fishy. Nobody is what they seem. Nobody is what they want you to think they are. And if you believe them, then you are blind. I'll believe nothing anymore.

Confession #15: Never again will I repeat the same stupid mistake. I won't forget to look before I fall anymore. Because I am worth it.

Confession #16: I always feel sorry for jerks. I can't even hate jerks. Jerks. Silly me. I CAN be mad at them, but hate? No.

Confession #17: I never thought the walls I've built all this time around me were still not enough to keep me from falling apart. I guess I just have to build more and more walls.

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