aqilah musfirah
"The girl in the mirror wasn't who I wanted to be
and her life wasn't the one I wanted to have"

Proud to be a mariner.
I don't make promises that I can't keep.

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Monday, July 9, 2012

Bottle it up

What happened to us? What happened to me? I used to tell my BFFs everything (or at least almost everything). And they used to tell me stuff, too. But lately. . . No. Not 'lately'. It started in the year 2010, where all of us begun to choose our own paths, we didn't do very much of that since then. And now, we barely talk about that so-called "private" stuff anymore. For me, I feel like it's too much of a hassle to burden anyone with my thoughts and problems and dramas and whatsoever. Yeah, people changed, and so did I. As a conclusion, everyone changes. I thought that I can handle anything on my own so I just keep everything to myself and bottle it up.

But you know what? I don't think I'm doing good, right now. I feel like surprise-calling one of them and just let go everything I've been holding in before they even say "Hello". I've had enough. And honestly, if this is what a part of being "independent" is, then being independent sucks. But not so fast, I'm not ready to give up, yet. Not because I won't, but because I can't. I'm too used to being like this. You know, like not being able to open up about anything. And like how I'm too used to build walls around myself. And like not being able to let my guard down. Last but not least, like not being able to reassure myself to get too attached with anyone.
Sometimes I even feel like a robot. LOL. Because some acquaintances told me I was expressionless at times. 

Of course, being like this did not make me 100% happy but it had saved me from numerous kinds of pain. Even so, I'm not sure whether to be thankful or regretful for the things I've been missing on. Being in pain is one thing, but I don't wanna live in regrets.

p.s. I know I have The Munyitss and that they'll always be there for me. But I can't open up to my BFFs of 6-7 years, what makes you think it'd be easy for me to do so with them, right?

p.p.s Ugh. Third World Problem much?? I wish I was much, much stronger than this. Why am I such a weakling??

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