Is it okay?

Old friend

Dear friend,

If you ever cared about me at all,

then I won't ask for much.

Will you just spare some time to pray for me so that everything will be alright?

Dear "family", 

Thank you for showing me that blood doesn't always equal to family.

Family has to be earned.

Family don't turn their backs on family when they need you the most.

Dear God,

They say that You won't let someone face hardships for more than one could take.

But sometimes, I just wonder.

Why do You believe in us so much? 

I am not strong enough for this.

No one is. And no one will be.

I am grateful for many things, but why?

Why can't You test me like You do with most people?

I keep asking myself "What did I ever do to deserve such fate?"

Why us? Why ME?

Dear you,

You can say whatever you want about me,

but note that I will not let that affect me, in any way.

Because, the truth is, I know you won't last a day in my shoes.

"Why is she like that?",

"She asked for it",

"Why do you choose to live like that?"...

Trust me, I've heard enough. 

My question to you is:

What makes you think I have a choice?

Dear me,

You've been through enough.

You are so tired of everything , that no matter how much you sleep and rest, you'll still be so exhausted. 

Why? 

It's because.. it was your mind that's tired.

I'm sorry. I've tried almost everything, yet the problem is still there.

Hang in there. I hope better things are coming your way soon.

Chain Reaction

I don't want to leave,
but I have to.
I have to.

But... where am I going to go?

Sure, there's that two-year teaching/PGDE program that sounds rather promising,

but... to be honest, I'm not so certain if I am really up for it anymore.

I already have a LOT on my plate.

Am I really that tough to endure extra responsibilities in life?

Ones that I cannot ever screw up?

Because this thing, it's like a chain reaction.

If I did good, InshaAllah good things will happen.

Otherwise, someone else's future might be affected,

and NOT in a good way.

I joined that thing in hopes that with what I have (or DON'T have),

I can actually make a positive impact on the lives of others.

I mean, yeah, just because yours suck,

it doesn't mean you can't fight for others to get the life they truly deserve, right?

I don't know, it just seems too risky, right now.

Nevertheless, staying is not option.

Or at least I don't think that it is.

Not right now.

So now we're back to square one.

Where am I going to go?

Where am I going in life?

Rancangan Orientasi Sekolah (ROS)

'Sup. 

It's been awhile.

...
......

...........

So! I am about to blog about something that happened, like, two months ago. Yeah, 'cause blogging about stuff right after it happened is too mainstream. Lol jk, I'm just lazy, but I really think that I should blog about this.

As you can see, the title of this entry says "Rancangan Orientasi Sekolah",or, ROS, which is actually one of the compulsory activities for Pre-Service Program (PSP) of Teach for Malaysia Fellowship.

What's Teach for Malaysia (TFM) ??? Well, basically, it's a non-profit organisation that aims to end education inequity in Malaysia. You may say that it's another "channel" for you to become a teacher, or so. For instance, in my case, I was, like:

I'm jobless, but I need money, like, seriously. 

 ▼

So I searched for any relevant jobs, in which one of them was a Part-time Tutor position at a local tuition centre.

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I went for the interview and two days later, they've asked me to teach English for PT3 as well as Sains for SPM. 

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So I went and realised that, hey, teaching is not so bad. Why the heck am I so against it since, like, FOREVER? 

  ▼

Then I somehow regretted how I NEVER applied to get into IPG or UPSI. 

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And after I'm almost done feeling stupid for not doing so, I met a tutor at the tuition centre who told me that it MAY not be too late, yet, if I really wish to be a teacher.

  ▼

Yep, she's the one who told me about TFM and encouraged me to apply for the fellowship. (Too bad I can't even remember her name. Sorry. I'm lousy with names. Besides, I only met her twice. Three times, tops.)

After I heard about it, I went to look it up online and I like the idea that not only that this would be good for myself, but if I get that fellowship, I will be doing something that is also beneficial for the society (I have this thing that I won't settle for anything less than that. I want my job to be meaningful enough in life, and this is one of the ways to achieve that). And so....

• I survived the WRITTEN TEST.
• I got through the PHONE INTERVIEW.
• I got through the ASSESSMENT CENTRE.

Next step? ROS, Duh. I was placed in SMK Pujut, Miri, Sarawak and it was one of the best experiences I've had in life! (Not to mention that it was my very first time to finally set foot  on Sarawak, the Land of the Hornbills)

I went for house-visits:

 With a student from SMK Pujut. The one standing behind her was another candidate for the 2016 cohort, Tini.

For this particular picture above, I remember I was dressed pretty cincai-ish (cheap-looking striped monochrome tank top, basic black jeans, long grey hooded-sweater, clown-like sport shoes [hey, in my defense, I was trying to save up space in my luggage BAHAHAHHH]). That's because I woke up late, and I realised that I was very close to missing my flight, so I had to wear the first thing I grabbed, and went to the airport totally make-up free. I WISH MY DIRECT FELLOW WOULD'VE TOLD ME FIRST THAT HE INTENDED TO BRING ME ALONG FOR HIS HOUSE-VISITS. *cries*cries*cries*

I get to observe the 2015 cohort's fellows teach:

These are just some of them. I couldn't be seen playing with my phone, all the time, right? It would've looked bad lol. Yep. As you can see, their methods of teaching are very different. And yeah, I can totally feel their burning passion to make a lasting impact in these kids' lives! :)

I get to observe the non-TFM teachers conduct their classes:

Form 5 English Class with Mr. Tan, a teacher who, surprisingly, tends to smiles a lot for a guru disiplin lol.

I get to meet the students:

The students were very welcoming! Everywhere I go, they'd be like "Hai Cikgu!!", "Cikgu! Cikgu! *waves dramatically*", "Cikgu Aqilahhhh~~~!!!", and so on. Not to mention, they're all asking for our facebook, twitter, whatsapp, wechat, etc hahaha.

Oh yeah! Another thing is, the student there is obsessed with beat-boxing. No matter where you go, you'd encounter a student or two going "pmmphh-pshh-ba-bup-bup-psshttt". . . (ikr, WHYYY) 

The followings are some of the questions that my direct fellow, Raee, had gathered for me from his students (aww) :

"I want to know his/her feeling when she/he was alone without or any friend support"

 Hah. Matang gittew soalan dia. Tapi dik, saya adalah seorang perempuan. Maka, silalah guna "she" instead of "he" okay. I'm not a she-male. HAHAHAHA. Anyway, to answer your question, I like being alone, so it doesn't bother me that much. Most of the time, I'd prefer to be alone with my thoughts. I'm a bit of an introvert, I must say. Luckily, I have never find myself without any form of support from my loved ones. Sure, there are times when none of them could've helped me physically, regardless of how much they wanted to, but they'd always, always be there to give me emotional support. Plus, when nothing else seems to work, I'd turn to God, and every time I did so, I'd feel so much better and I believe that His help is near, in which it usually is! Alhamdulillah :)

"About life."

Bah. Ini saya suka. Pindik tapi bermakna. It'd different for everyone, really. Some might find life is as easy as pie, others might struggle and stumble and fall when it comes to this thing called "life". Well, if you ever find yourself struggling with life, what's important is you must find a reason not to give up. A reason for you to keep fighting, no matter how many times you fall. The thing is, sometimes, we can't control what's going to happen to us. You may be extra careful not to screw anything up, but somehow there's just something or someone who keeps dragging you down. It hurts, and it will hurt more when people you care about are affected, as well. At one point, it would seem as if there's nothing else you can do to make things better. Well guess what? There is. PRAY. Just keep praying. God listens. He will never burden you with more than you can handle. Yes, life is unfair, but God is.

"Saya nak dia bercerita tentang pengalaman, idola, cita-cita dan banyak lagi."

I don't really have an idol. I just look up to people who sees the good in others, and to those who keeps on giving and giving to the less-fortunates and the environment, though they know they may never get anything physical in return. But.... if you still want names, I'd say Angelina Jolie, Oprah Winfrey, and Ian Somerhalder. Yeah, I'm sure you know why. If you don't, well, Mr. Google is always there for ya! About my ambition... I haven't really given much thoughts about it. I just want to do something that won't only benefit me, but will also contribute to the world. I want to make an impact that is significant to me, as well as to the society. I hope that answers the question, lol.

"Tentang dirinya."

Ni tajuk lagu ka apa ni? LOL. Well, long story short. I am not who I seem to be. I am more than I let on. I only show what I want you to see. I'm a fighter, and I'm sure as hell a survivor :)

"I wan to know about her life."

Whoa there. You really don't wanna know. Just be glad that you're not living my life.

"Saya nak dia bercerita tentang pengalaman dia di luar negara. Saya nak dia bercerita tentang k-pop."

Saya tak pernah pergi luar negara. Saya miskin huhuhuhuhuhu. (P.S. Saya tak minat K-Pop.)

"I want to hear about their experience and their good stories during they still young :D"

Hmm.. good stories, huh? OK, during my childhood, Alhamdulillah, every thing was more than enough. I have received enough love (though I kinda grew up with tough love and strict upbringing), enough food, enough toys and games to keep me happy. Yup, very much happier than I am now. I really wish that we could go back to the past and tell ourselves what we know now, so that we wouldn't end up where we are today. But that's just that. My fantasy. I was very naughty, though. I started skipping classes since I was  barely 5 years old and I managed to drag my cousin along with me. As a result, my kindergarten teacher found out and she later punished me in front of the whole class, along with my innocent cousin (lol poor her. I mean, I made her follow me to the playground during lesson time. She didn't even want to join me, but I was very persuasive and persistent hahahah.) Ah, those good ol' times.

"Bagaimana pengalaman kamu semasa di universiti?"

Siok. Banyak diving. Banyak huhahuha. Banyak buat keja gila. However, there were also challenging moments during my undergrad years, which, I prefer not to share.

"I want her to talk about her career."

LOL. WHAT CAREER??? *insert LOL emoji*

"I want she to talk about his experience or something about English subject."
(I cringed staring at the structure of this kid's sentence. I hope he/she will get better in time with, the help from the super fellows there :(

I used to be VERY bad in English. I didn't even score an A for my UPSR BI paper. Then, I was determined to improve my English, both written and spoken. I used English when engaging in conversation with my friends, I watched a lot of English movies, I listened to English songs, I read English books, and I've started blogging in English. Sure, I still have a lot of rooms for improvement, but I am much better now than I was before. Learning is simple. You just need to have curiosity and enough desire to learn. As someone used to say to me, "Even 'fools' can learn so much better, when compared to those who does not even have the intention to learn". 

"Saya ingin dia menceritakan tentang pembelajaran atau usaha dia untuk berjaya dan pengalaman hidupnya."

Hmm.. I can't tell you much. But I did whatever it takes for me to get where I am today. God knows what I had to do to get my degree certificate! Lost sleep, lost everything but thankfully, I could still find the strength to on. YOU SHOULD NEVER GIVE UP IN WHATEVER YOU DO, TOO! :D

I get to motivate the students on why they should never give up on studying:

Yeah, the students always, always insisted on selfies! Here are some of them. I am honoured to share my experiences with them. It also felt good to spark some interest in them to think outside of the box, to give them a general view to what is waiting for them when they go for further studies. According to the teachers, we have successfully motivated them to try harder in class so that they have a better chance to pursue their dreams after they went through with SPM.

I get to meet awesome people:

The fellows! Too bad I don't have any real pictures with them. Everything happened so fast we couldn't seem to find time to get together and take a simple, nice photo. Plus everyone was too busy/tired preparing for their Hari Sukan. They're really nice people and I couldn't thank them enough for being so generous by letting us stay with them. *sobs* *touched* 

The 2016 cohort candidates! Yeah it did seem like we've known each other forever hahahahahhh. It was nice that everyone got along well. Some of them were locals, and they were considerate enough to offer me and Tini for a ride to the IPG for UKCG. *sobs* *sobs* *touched, indeed*

Last but not least, although the result is out and it turns out that they had to drop almost half of the 2016 offerees (Yes, I am one of them. And so were nearly all of the candidates from Sabah and Sarawak), I believe we have gained something significant during the ROS Program. Plus, we can still go for the the rests of the PSP, namely Akademi and Kem Skorlah!. Well, I guess I'll see most of them again soon :)

P.S. Congrats to the candidates who made it! All the best :D

The Root

I feel so needy.

I feel as though I'm a burden to certain people.

I feel so guilty.

What would you do if you know the exact root of all your problems but there's nothing you can do about it?

Perhaps

Perhaps it was just a damn joke.

Perhaps you just wanted to check on me.

Perhaps it was just out of curiosity

Perhaps I was hoping that it could be more than that.

Maybe one day. Maybe.

More than anything

A long time ago, I would've wished that this'd be me in the distant future. 

Now all I want is for my parents to live happily, like that happy, or maybe even more.

Because that's what they deserve. 

To be happy as much as they can.

I am still clueless about what I really want in my life. About most things, really.

But of this I am certain. I want this more than anything.

I will never stop praying for them.

May Allah ease everything.

Amin.

Familiar faces

Last night. 

Again, I dreamt of the faces that I haven't seen in a very long time. We're talking about half a decade amount of time here.

It's not that I missed them. Not that I've been thinking of most of them, either. I don't even have the extra space in the clouds of my messy mind to do that, anymore.

And among all those faces, I see you.

Communicating in ways like we used to long ago. Trying to be secretive but failed and having people throwing suspicious glances at us.

You looked like the way you used to look and I wasn't quite sure how I looked like in that dream. 

It was a first-person view kind of dream. I don't know about you, but my dreams have always been in a first-person view mode, hence they tend to make me feel like they were somehow real. My dreams were often terrifying, but most of the time, they don't compare to what I have to face everyday.

This dream. I don't even remember all of it. I just remember those familiar faces. With different background settings. Because somehow we ended up somewhere that looked like an exotic ancient building. Could it be because I have always wanted to visit such places? Who knows.

We were on good terms. In fact, all of us were. We talked and watched movies and made silly comments about the movie and we laughed. We had a good time. And when the movie was over, nobody moved. No one left. Neither did we.

That was all I could remember.

Now that I think of it, it wasn't last night. It was today. After I was done with my Fajr prayer (I know. Going back to sleep after the fajr prayer is not recommendable, but hey, nobody's purr-fect).

And to be honest, this is not the first time I've been dreaming these kinds of dreams. But lately, I tend to dream about it A LOT. I don't even know what is the meaning behind those dreams. Or if it has any meaning, at all.

I've been asking for signs. For answers. Not just for this, but for every thing. For as long as I can remember. But maybe, just maybe, I've been looking for them at the wrong place.

The sunflower that grows at the end of Spring

On the other shore of sadness,

It is said that there is a smile,

Finally we arrived.

But what are we waiting for?

The purpose is not to run away,

It’s to chase after dreams

We should have gone out to travel

On that summer day so long ago

In a place worn down by sadness,

something called a miracle is waiting

Yet we are still searching

for the sunflower that grows at the end of Spring

The warrior who awaits the morning light

before he can clasp it with red nails,

his tears glitter and fall

Even if we’ve grown used to loneliness

only relying on the light of the moon

We have to fly away with featherless wing

Just go forward, just a little further

Even tomorrow, if you see it

Though there isn’t a sigh either.

Like a ship going against the current flow.

Right now, go forward, move ahead.

Even if it cuts through the rain and clouds,

The wet roads shine,

Only the dark will teach,

A stronger and stronger light,

Be strong, go forward, move ahead.

credits: parkminnie

The Bright Side

There are a lot of things that people do not know about me. I rarely talk about myself. I prefer not to, because I know most people would not believe the WHOLE story, anyway. I mean, I'm not trying to say that my life is worse than those living in the war-zone. Or that I'm homeless. All I can say is, my life is toooooo further away from what you can classify as "a normal life".

I do, however, tell a few chapters of my story to several people whom I think deserve to know, and are undoubtedly to be trusted. Alhamdulillah, I know that Allah still cares about me when He sent these few incredibly understanding friends and relatives to me. Words are insufficient to describe how thankful I am to have known such generous and helpful individuals. Some of them do not even know one bit of my story, yet they are still so generous to give a helping hand when I needed one.

Sometimes I ask myself, "How can I ever repay them for their kindness?" They may have no idea how much of an impact their actions have on me. Words can't even begin to describe how much I appreciate what they have done for me, whether they realize it or not. One thing's for sure, I'd never forget them and they will always be in my prayers. That is the only way I can repay them, for now. To pray for them so they'd be rewarded a blessed and happy life in this world as well as the Hereafter (Amin). Because honestly, that's what they truly deserve.

P.S. I'm not even certain if all of them are going to stumble upon this entry. Or maybe some of them did, but didn't know that he/she is one of the person who give me strength when I'm falling apart. But know this, it's YOU. And I thank you for being there for me, for being a part of my life, even if it's may or may not be temporary.

Some of them. Couldn't find pictures of the rests, but you know who you are :)

"Time is Money"

Saying "It's been ages since my last entry" is obviously an understatement in describing my so-called hiatus. In fact, I am not even sure if there will be another entry coming up soon enough after this one. Heck, my blog is all messed up. Just like the owner (Eh).

But seriously, yup, my life is an effing mess. I am in my final year of my bachelor degree and to be honest, my time-management skill sucks. (WARNING: This is not an entry to show how much I feel sorry for myself. Because I'm not. Anyway, I don't even know what's the purpose of posting this). Well, I'm always a last minute person and I'm not proud of it. But my studies are one of the only things that I can control so I've been trying make myself a well-organized person AT LEAST for my academic stuff, In Shaa Allah.

I don't have a golden watch/clock. But still, "Masa itu emas".

Other, non-academic issues? There's nothing I can do about it. I've always wanted a normal life. Just normal, nowhere close to perfect. But I guess you can't always have what you want. You can just try to be grateful and content for every thing you've got. I always keep in mind that "There are other people who have it A LOT WORSE".

"Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity. It will have [the consequence of] what [good] it has gained, and it will bear [the consequence of] what [evil] it has earned. "Our Lord, do not impose blame upon us if we have forgotten or erred. Our Lord, and lay not upon us a burden like that which You laid upon those before us. Our Lord, and burden us not with that which we have no ability to bear. And pardon us; and forgive us; and have mercy upon us. You are our protector, so give us victory over the disbelieving people."
- Surah Al-Baqarah [2:286]

Anyway, despite everything that has happened, for all these times, I am grateful that I still haven't lose my faith. Maybe this is one of God's way to remind me that I still have Him. Thank you Allah.

Three

The three things I love to see the most.

1. Old married couples

2. A group of happy family

3. An older brother who looks out for his younger sibling(s)

Annie and her adopted elder brother, 90210.

Ah, my favourite brothers, Dean (right) who always looks out for his brother, Sam(left).

Jensen Ackles ♥

                

Oops! Keluar tajuk!
 
Teehee~

Okaythatsallbye!